i hate that it is used so commonly to describe our life right now.
fall is always a crazy time for most churches. for us, september is always a blur. this year, i have a new position which only adds to the amount of things that fill my calendar. last year, micah was only 4 months old during september, and i wore him in his beco at most events or evenings out. this year, he's a LOUD toddler on the move and he no longer loves his beco (he actually hates it). sad day for mama. he also no longer loves his stroller, but he'll at least tolerate it.
(side note:: i keep trying, and he just hates being confined. is there any hope that he might one day at least be content again in a baby carrier??)
what that means is that now micah can't really hang at most events that are all church events where he would need to be at least a little quiet. last week we had our annual week of setting aside the normal routines for a more dedicated pursuit of God...prayer, fasting, and worship. the night gatherings were great, however, it meant 4 nights away from micah. that's never happened for me before and it probably won't happen again until next year, but it was hard. really, really, hard.
this whole working mama thing is juggling act. really. there are times that are easier than others, but most of the time i feel like i'm lacking somewhere. i just don't ever want micah to feel like he isn't my priority, because he is.
i am learning that there are things that are just beyond my control. i can't make someone volunteer. i can't will the holes in my schedule to be filled just because i am working on filling them on my days off. what i can do, is to use my time well while i'm at work. to maximize my work hours, and pray that God will do the rest. i can commit to not working on my days off unless it is absolutely unavoidable. i can make sure to take comp days for the days that i do have to work on my off days. there are things i can do, and there are things that i can't. but the thing is, i want to be great at everything. i want to make everybody happy all of the time. i love to please my husband, my baby, and my co-workers. i want to do it all, but i just can't. today i shared some of these struggles with someone i really admire and she shot me an email this afternoon that has encouraged me immensely. She said::
"I want you to know that I think you do an amazing job of being a mom, working full time, and being a wife. Don't buy the lies that you are not doing enough. God will fill in where you cannot."
There is so much peace and comfort in hearing that. God will fill in where you cannot. God WILL fill in where you cannot. He just will. Because he is THAT good. i have to remember that God knows. He knows when i am struggling with leaving my baby. He knows that i need him to be strong where i am weak. He knows how to minister to my husband and son more than i ever could. and for that i am thankful. for that, i am eternally grateful. i feel so humbled to know my God will fight for me. and when i fail, he WILL fill in. he will be there in ways that i cannot. i love that.
so this next week, things kind of go back to normal. kind of. i am happy to be walking forward knowing and repeating to myself that God will fill in. because my God is SO good.