mixed emotions

Saying that I have mixed emotions about returning to work is a complete understatement.

I have loved EVERY second that I am home. I have been thankful that even when he's been fussy all day long (Thank you Jesus that there have only been a few of those days!), I have the privilege of being his mama and being the one who GETS to comfort him. My favorite time of day is after his first morning feeding when I literally just set the bottle down, lie down and snuggle my little man while we fall back to sleep just gazing in each others eyes. I cannot begin to describe the emotions that flood my heart during those moments. It's heavenly. We have fun just hanging around the house, or going out for walks or errands. He is such a little trooper and is happy pretty much anywhere (although he is a little like his mommy and gets a bit overwhelmed when too many arms want to hold him!). We have had an amazing 10 weeks together (can you believe he'll be 10 weeks on Wednesday?!) and we still have another week and a half. I am trying hard to savor every.single.second. I don't want to take one moment for granted. I don't want to leave him...not even for a day...but I know it's coming.

I love my job. love. it.
I have missed my staff team, my volunteer team, and my kids. I miss planning each week, and I definitely missed having a bigger role in vbs. Being pulled out from the middle of everything has definitely shown me some areas that need working on, and I have faced insecurities that I never knew I had. There is a part of me (a big part) that is excited to go back and get right back in the middle of ministry. I want to know what's going on, and I want to see how the kids have grown and what God is doing in their lives. I want to spend August with the kinders who will be moving up in the fall and I want to be with the people who are not just coworkers, they're family. I just wish I could do all of that with Micah.

I can't imagine another full time job that would let me be with my baby as much as I will be able to. I'm thankful that it's not a typical 9-5. On the weekends, Alex and Micah will be there with me. As long as Micah can nap anywhere, he and his daddy will spend lots of time at church :) I will still be with him all of thursday and friday, as well as most of Saturday and Sunday. I cannot imagine having better people to be with him while I'm away (daddy and Gongi), and I know first hand that it's possible to be an amazing mom while working full time (my mom has always worked full time and there's not a better mama out there!). I am trying to remind myself of all these things on a daily basis so that my heart doesn't just break at the thought of being away from my squishy little guy.

I know that I will probably ride this roller coaster of emotions for the next few weeks, and probably even longer. I am just trusting that God knows all that I'm feeling and will meet me in the middle of it. He has put me where I am at for a reason, and I am thankful for that!


Amy said...

It's tough being a working mommy. Blessings to you as you try to balance it all! (and stay awake while doing it!) Iced chai latte, huh? I might have to try it! So far Diet Dr. Pepper is where I get my morning caffeine! :)

angelina said...

Amy, I just saw your comment :) glad you're finding your pick-me-up!